FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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