She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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