i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
