I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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