Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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