I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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