marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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