why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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