She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
