i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
