Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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