So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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