Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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