So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
