All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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