sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
