You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
