woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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