He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I think my vagina is haunted
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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