i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you win again, gameday.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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