If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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