The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
