he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
