Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My dick has a subreddit
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
