bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize