Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
