having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
