Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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