Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
