I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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