Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I think a kid would responsible me up
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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