I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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