2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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