Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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