I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I can text with my tongue
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
