Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
