i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
