at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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