just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
