The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
