i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
