Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
