Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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