this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
