i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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