If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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