Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
