No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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