He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
