Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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