I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
