Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
