I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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