Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
