I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
