Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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