Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize