I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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