I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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