If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
