Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
