Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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