just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
