I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
