I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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