Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Randomize
