not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
