Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
