The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
