If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Randomize
